I will kill someone if you 3 don't quit arguing
by brightmoor
Summary: My prompt for this was: "An infectious nurse, a robot builder, and an eternally-cheerful wizard give conflicting reports to the police." I took it and ran with it. Oh, I ran, alright. Someone please make me write something other than KH.


"I swear, Xemnas, that's exactly how it happened. I was just walking down the hallway, minding my own damn business, and this _creep_ comes up from behind and squeezes my—"

"That's enough, Larxene. Please, return to your room and I'll have this sorted out immediately."

"That jerk-off! I can't _believe_ that asshole! Ugh!" Larxene muttered, stalking out of Xemnas' office.

His finger paused over the intercom button. Should he, or shouldn't he?

"Vexen, your presence is requested in my office."

He pushed the big red button, mentally slapping himself for speaking before he had made sure his finger wouldn't slip off the stupid thing. He repeated himself.

"Must I? I'll have you know you're interrupting very important sciency stuff! Very well. I'll be there momentarily."

"As you should," Xemnas said, his finger firmly away from the button. It wouldn't do to have another foul-up like last month, when he had snarked to Larxene... Oh, Larxene, the Savage Nymph. Savage indeed—for a whole week, Xemnas hadn't been able to feel his—

"I have arrived," Vexen said, flinging Xemnas' door open irreverently. "What, pray tell, is so important?"

"Mind yourself, Number IV."

"Well ex_cuse_ me," Vexen said. "What, pray tell is so important, _sir_?"

"I've just received a report from Larxene that she was sexually harassed by you this morning," Xemnas said, ignoring the Chilly Academic's sarcasm.

"Ridiculous," Vexen countered. "What motive would I have for harassing anyone, let alone Larxene?"

Xemnas sighed. It was always hard to get a straight confession—like the time Xigbar had eaten all the snickerdoodles Saïx had made for him. It had taken a week to get him to fess up.

"Tell me what did happen, then."

"I already said it. _Nothing_ happened. Shouldn't you believe IV over XII anyway?"

"Very well. You are dismissed."

Vexen scoffed, letting the door slam behind him.

Who else could he ask? Who could tell him what had really happened? Who would be so stupid as to tell the truth about everyth—

"Demyx, your presence is requested in my office," Xemnas said.

"Aw, right now? I just wrote a killer song, dude. Ya wanna hear it?"

"No! And hurry up!"

"Alright already," Demyx said. "Chillax, Superior dude."

-

"Yo," Demyx said, opening the door. He was still holding that blasted sitar of his.

"Demyx, were you in the 6F hallway this morning?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Did you see Larxene and Vexen?"

"Um, yeah. They were arguing about something."

"Larxene asserts that she was sexually assaulted by Vexen this morning," Xemnas said.

"Dude! No, that never happened. Vexen said some things a dude shouldn't say to a dudette, but that's all."

Xemnas facepalmed. What, in the name of Kingdom Hearts, had happened, then?

"Vexen and Larxene, please report to my office again."

Larxene called Xemnas a few unprintable things under her breath, but Vexen just sighed and agreed.

-

"Why do I have to be in here with this jerk?" Larxene snarled.

"I concur. Must I share breathing space with this accusative woman?"

"Cease your bickering," commanded Xemnas. "We must come to a consensus."

"I already _told_ you what happened," said Larxene.

"These two tend to disagree with you. Demyx says there was merely an argument."

"I don't care what this half-wit so-called musician says, nor this hack scientist."

"I maintain my innocence," Vexen said flatly. "Make up all the tales you'd like."

Xemnas sighed and facepalmed again. He was the Superior—wasn't everyone supposed to listen to him? The only ones that even made the pretense of respecting him were Xaldin and Saïx.

"Listen to me, you condescending children. I am your Superior and I will not have you disrespect me. Do you understand? Now someone tell me the truth about what happened."

...is what Xemnas would've liked to have said. Instead, he paged Saïx.

"Saïx, for the love of God, man, help me," he whispered fervently into the intercom. "Please, these three are going to drive me insane."

Vexen and Larxene were currently arguing and getting, how do you say, "all up in each other's grills" with Demyx trying to intervene. Xemnas was _this_ close to banging his head off his desk when Saïx opened the door. He saw Xemnas nearly in tears at his desk.

"Superior? What's wrong?" he asked tentatively.

"Saïx, I swear I'm going tokill someone if something's not done about those two. _Kill_ someone, do you hear me?"

"What happened, anyway?" Saïx asked, unsure if it had been a threat to him personally, or if his Superior had simply gone insane.

"Larxene asserts that Vexen sexually assaulted her this morning in the 6F hallway. I called Demyx in to see if he knew what actually happened, and he says there was an argument and nothing more. Vexen counters that nothing at all happened."

"Sir?"

"What, Saïx?"

"The 6F hallway is closed off. Axel blew it up last week, remember? The Moogles are remodeling, kupo," Saïx deadpanned.

"Was that an attempt at humor?"

"Yes, sir. It was."

"Well, stop it. It was disturbing. And what do you mean, the 6F hallway's closed off?"

"I told you, Axel blew it up last week. Some experiment or other. I have reason to believe he was baking a cake for Roxas."

Xemnas twitched. The three arguing Organization members stopped fighting for a moment to notice that he had grown unusually quiet.

"Uh, Superior dude?" Demyx asked, poking him. Saïx growled.

"Psych!" called Larxene, fleeing for her life. Little static bolts crackled in the place where she had stood milliseconds before.

"I told you nothing happened," Vexen said. "I'll just, uh, be leaving now, so..." Vexen left snowflakes behind him as he ran.

"You're not going to run?" Xemnas asked Demyx.

"Well, no." He pulled out his sitar and began playing _Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star._

Xemnas and Saïx facepalmed at the same time. Demyx smiled, even when he hit a wrong note.


End file.
